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Thursday, April 30, 2020

Million Moron March Demands Microphallus Insurance Coverage

A group brandishing semi-automatic weapons stormed Michigan's state capitol building in Lansing on Thursday, April 30. Tensions about Governor Gretchen Whitmer's stay-at-home order to protect against COVID-19 are boiling over, mainly because wives of protesters discovered microphallic conditions among these men throughout the duration of the current stay-at-home order that began in March. As Michigan's House of Representatives debated to extend the stay-at-home order, protesters shouted, "Hell no, we won't grow! Hell no, we won't grow!" as they clutched onto their AR-15s. They also demanded immediate release from their homes so they could have 'bro time' in the woods, on boats, and in duck blinds. Ben, Christopher, and Aaron Dorr decided to organize the protests to force the state legislature to "...inch towards our demands of a more confident rural male who can express freedumb through mind and body. We need treatment. These guns aren't cutting it because we can't make our wives happy with them." In the meantime, over 2,200 U.S. citizens died from COVID-19 during the day of their protest.

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